Larry's Blog

I'm back! me, Larry. Back.

Hey everybody!  Me, Larry!  I'm back.  I've been away for some time, and now I'm back! I've been away in Illinois at a convention of like-minded people. That's right, a convention.  You heard me.  A convention!  It was the National Committee for the Non-Appropriationist Polemical Antideluvian Sensitivity Society for Cultural and InterIdentity Awareness. Yep. It was quite educational. There were pastries. And after lunch they served cookies and Coke.

I stayed in a hotel but I didn't sleep very well. I heard the hotel walls creaking and squeaking. And the air conditioning was loud and dried out the inside of my nose. But I got a free shower cap!!!!!!!!!!! FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!

The things we talked about at the conference?  You know?  I was all ready to come back to work and tell all my co-workers all the smart-stuff I learned over the course of the conference.  But, like, I, you know, well, um, like, kept on falling asleep during the presentations.  So, it's like, well, you know, I wasn't sure, um, even really what the conference was really about, you know?  I mean, I think I sort of know what it's sort of about, cuz it's about embracing and embodying the values and principles of a sensitivity to the multiculturally aware life.  But, really, I mean, I just sort of learned about, well, the first part of some of the presentations.  They were sort of like, well, "The multicultural life is of vast importance and in need of further study."  And then, boom, I fell asleep.

Well, anyway. The conference was basically all good, but I was glad to come back home and see Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee III. Here's what he looked like when I walked in!

 

He looked much smaller than before I left.

electronic dating service

Me, Larry, again.

Okay, man.  Okay.  I done gone and done it, man!  I just jumped in there.  I just jumped into the breach and went for it!  Just WENT FOR IT!!!  I just signed up for an electronic dating service!!!! oh man.  I'm a little nervous about the whole thing.  My heart's a-flutter, a little bit. But I was just like, man, I just got to get back in the game. The closest thing to a date I had recently was to ride in the elevator with Celery Lady. And I was covered in cat hair.  After that, I was like, well, Larry, you got to pull yourself together, man!! you got to get out there, man.

Alrighty, then, man.  I'm just gonna step into the breach.  I'm, like, totally gonna go for it.  I'm gonna PASTE MY PROFILE into THIS HERE BLOGGGG!!!!!  That's right, dude!  That's right, man! Here it goes:

"Hello!  I am Larry.  Here's some information about me.  I am not that tall, and I have brown eyes. I like to drive and I like tomatoes. I like cats. What I do for work is....

Okay, man, I'm gonna be straight with you here.  I'm just plain old gonna be straight with you.  Kay.  Here it is.  My job, well, I'm not entirely sure what it is.  See, I started working here a few months ago and all they ask me to do is "hold down the fort."  I'm not entirely sure what that means or what that requires.  But I know what I CAN tell you!!!!  My boss?  Oh, man.  Oh, man-alive.  He's BALD!!!!!!  Not just that old pattern baldness.  No, man.  It's ALL THE WAY BALD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And that kind of freaks me out.  But only just a little. 

I like walks on the beach and nice food. Please write me."

There. Howz that sound?

Here's a picture of Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee the Third's cousin, Miss Sasquatch Taperecorder.

howdee

Me, Larry, again! Howdee do?

Yesterday I was in the elevator in my building and this lady got on. I call her "Celery Lady," because she was carrying celery this one time, and I said, got some celery there? and she said, yep, celery. Celery Lady got on the elevator and I made some room for her. I said Hi. She said Hi. Then we were quiet. Then I realized that I was pretty much COVERED FROM HEAD TO FOOT IN CAT HAIR that was from Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee The Third. I was SO covered in cat hair that little wisps of cat hair were floating all around me.

So, I'm, like, totally all freaking out, man!  I'm all oh shit, cuz I mean, well you know.  You know how that is, how you're all expected to be all perfect and stuff when you're out in the world, and nobody's allowed to see the impact that animals really and truly do have on your day-to-day existence, they really do!  And I'm also all thinking that it's just so important that Celery Lady have a good impression of me, it's just so utmost and utterly important.

So maybe I'll get me one of those cat hair remover thingies. For next time.

ancestor!

Hi!  me again.  Larry. 

I was going through an old family photo album and I found a picture of an old ancestor!  Here it is:

My mom sez I look a lot like him but I don't see the resemblance.  Where is it?  the resemblance?  my mom told me how he died, but I don't remember how it was.  Wait, do I?  no, I don't remember.  do I?  No. Wait.

I also found a picture of the first Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee. Here it is!  I see the resemblance. 

In other news, there's not a whole lot goin' on for ol' Larry. Sometimes I think I smell funny and then other times I think I smell fine. Sometimes I want to ask people, what do I smell like?  do I smell funny?  kind of a baked bread sort of smell? or maybe even a little radioactive?  I don't know what I mean by that...but I do. Yes, I do. 

If you ever meet me and I smell funny, TELL ME. Please. You will be doing me a very great favor. I want to know. I want to know.

my cat, by larry

Hi! It's me, Larry again!  Here's a photo of my cat!

His name is Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee The Third. The first Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee ate bleach and died. Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee The Second fell off the roof. You would think cats always land on their feet...but no. Sometimes they really don't. So, I went and got me another cat and named him Mr. Fracklepratzinjowlerettafluffernutter McPhee The Third, cause he was the third cat with that name.

I'm a little worried because he seems to be a little ambivalent about his relationship with me.  I know he love me, but today, he pooped in my shoe.  I think the poor little guy needs some attention.

It's me!  Larry!

my adventures by larry

Hi!  I'm Larry!  I'd like to tell you about my life.

I went to the supermarket today, but I was SO FREAKED OUT!!!!!!!!  Like, okay, man.  There were all these dumb people and they didn't look that nice and I was all oh, shit, man, what'm I gonna DO????????????????? So I put a bunch of tomatoes in my basket and tried to act all natural-like. Doo dee doo, I hummed to myself, in a casual manner.

But then!  I was in line?  At the checkout?  And, like, I'm all oh SHIT!  I REALLY NEED some of those, wait, what's it called?  Lysol?  No, not lysol.  Um, uh, those um, uh Listerine--that's it!  Listerine Pocket Packs!  But then people are gonna totally know I have struggles with breath-freshness!  And I'm all, what am I gonna do?  Either I'll have to endure my struggles with breath freshness and, like, carry toothpaste around with me, or else I'll have to endure the scrutiny of the cashier and everybody else in line.

So I struggled with this for a while, but ended up grabbing the Listerine Pocket Packs at the last minute. They were right there by the magazines and the candy bars, so it was actually pretty easy. But then? When I tried to swipe my card in the swiper machine thingy? it wouldn't go. And I tried it again, but it still wouldn't go. THEN. I said to the cashier, This swiper machine thingy don't work. And he was like, You just gotta hold your card just right, like this, see?  And I tried that. But the swiper machine thingy did. Not. Work. And I was like, It's broken. And the cashier was like, no, you just gotta hold it...And I said, IT'S BROKEN.

Then the cashier's all snotty and stuff, and I really don't understand it at all, and, like, I'm just about to leave cuz I don't know what to do and I really cain't pay if they don't got no working or operating machines.  And PLUS I don't have no cash-money in my pocket.  She just takes the credit card and punches in the numbers and the like, and I dunno, I just sort of leave and the like. 

And then I get home and I find that the cat pooped on the oriental rug again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until we LEARN how to do this stuff

We will have this PROVISIONAL linky thing.

Two Broken TV Sets (Country).mp3

Schizophrenic BBQ (Rock).mp3

Art of Suffering.mp3

Jaysus.mp3

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